Yeah. Right.
by Twilight Angel1
Summary: :Blinks: Um, yeah... This is a little Duo internal monologue, written after Falling Back, Heero's one... Um, enjoy... etc.


Author's notes:   
WEEEEEE! Ego boost! :Blinks: :Coughs: Anyway, um, this is my Duo one... I'll write a Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei one... just not right now... and maybe sequels to it, if people want me to. Many thanks to people who reviewed 'Falling Back', and even to those who read it. (Oi, yah, um, I was still on a not very good close-to-Christmas week, don't ask. Enjoy)  
Yah, the "not-so-standard" disclaimer: Gundam Wing doesn't belong to me, never did, never will. Don't sue, you won't get anything out of it.  
  
Luv, candy, and GW Boys ('specially 1x2),  
Twilight Angel  
  
=  
  
How am I really the God of Death? I mean, deep down on the inside, I can't stand death. Something happened to me during the Maxwell Church Massacre…and later, when Solo died. I guess something inside of me snapped. I got to angry and couldn't really focus…and now look at me! The God of Death! Pilot of Deathscythe Hell! Someone who lives to kill. That's what I have turned into. A god-damned killer. I'm no trained assassin like Heero is. He hardly realizes what he's doing…it's habit. I have a life. I have things to do, places to go, people to see…I don't want to spend my whole life killing or feeling guilty. Why can't this whole god-damned thing END? It's changed us. I want to know what it's like to live a normal life. I'm sixteen for crying out loud! We're all young…hardly even old enough to live on our own…if we were normal…but we're not! I haven't had a real family…no one but Q-man and maybe Wu-man have…I envy them…they know what it's like to grow up with someone you can talk to. To grow up knowing you have a loving family, parent's to tuck you in at night, a shelter to house you…Love to keep you warm. Trowa, Heero and I have never felt that. Well, maybe Trowa has, it's hard to say…no one knows where he's really from…God knows he had a real family.   
  
You know what? I hate my life. I want it to end. I want my Gundam destroyed…I want to live a normal life. I want to have a family. I want my life to start over; I want to know what it's like to have a parent hovering over you when you're sick. I know it's so much to ask for, but I really want it. I want this so-called God of Death destroyed; I don't want to be Shinigami. But no one understands me. They think I enjoy the war. They think I joke for fun. I joke to cover up my feelings! A pilot can't go around crying the whole time! I. Hate. This. War. H-A-T-E it.   
  
No one knows what its like to be me. No one knows what I suffer. Compared to everyone else, they haven't suffered. They've practically lived a normal life. They have no idea what I've lived. I've been keeping the massacre to myself and intend to keep it that way. Why? Because I wouldn't be able to stand the pitying looks from Q-man, the sullen looks Trowa would give me every second of my fucking life. Wu-man would just act as he does, puzzling over it in his own silent way. And Hee-chan? Well…it's hard to say. He may already know about it…but if not, he would probably just act like he does. Maybe to some research on it.   
God knows. I don't.  
  
What are we going to do after the war is over? I can almost tell what's going to happen to Trowa and Q-man. Go off together. But what about the rest of us? Wu-man'll go somewhere, looking for a life… As for me and Hee-chan? Maybe we'll stay together, crash at Q-man's place. Then what? And what about Relena? Hilde? Dorothy? And Zechs and Trieze? Will either of them survive? I god-damn hope not. It'll mean we've won the war.   
What a really great thing to be celebrating…the victory over OZ. Whoopee. Everyone dance for joy. Nah. Don't think so.  
  
All I can really say are these things. My life is fucked up. People I know are fucked up beyond belief. The world is doomed. Yes, I hate to admit it, but we can't win. We're kids. Kids with guns. Kids with Gundams. Kids with the ability to destroy lives of all those around. We've got a pretty big load on our shoulders.   
And I'd bet my life we wont win. Sorry, but optimism isn't my biggest thing. Maybe on day we'll live normal lives. Maybe we'll forget all about the war, get together have some real fun.   
Yeah. Right.  
  
There I go again. Optimism isn't high on my list of things. I mean, if you joke and kid and like to have fun, then, why do you need to be optimistic? You don't. Yep. That's me, Duo Maxwell. A guy who jokes, kids people, likes to have fun, leads a somewhat-normal life. Ha. Right. How about, a guy who's usually joking, kids people, likes to have fun, one of the pilots in a god-damned war that we won't win. A guy who carries around a gun wherever he goes, someone who lives a fucked up life full of shit?! Yeah. That's me. Sometimes I wonder why I'm not like any of the other Gundam pilots…but then again…  
Trowa? …Nuh uh. I wouldn't be able to handle the sullenness, and Quatre? Sorry, Q-man, but I wouldn't be able to keep up the sugarcoated, I-vote-for-peace-you-should-have-surrendered guy. And Wu-man? Again: Nuh uh. No emotions. Acts like he has a stick shoved up his ass. And Heero?  
  
Heero.  
  
How come my thoughts even turn out shitty? God-damn it. I guess I should be happy for what I have. Weapons. Yeah, gotta love it. A Gundam. One of the best god-damn things I've ever owned.   
And Heero. I have to admit it. He's one of the god-damned things I've ever owned. Ha. Joke. Sure, I love him. I guess I've just realized that. And him? Well, it's too early to tell. He may. But he doesn't show emotions. He's a soldier; he has no need for emotions. We'll find out later though, once the war's over. Once we've all finally rested up. Once we survive.  



End file.
